World at War

After Wednesday night’s attack by 400 ninjas on Dmitry Medvedev, the 12 survivors are being held outside of Moscow for questions, according to sources close to the Kremlin.

“The interrogation is being personally overseen by Vladimir Putin. He likes this sort of thing,” reported Medvedev’s press secretary.

When asked to comment on the situation at a recent State Department press conference, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton declined to comment. Reporting that it was an “internal matter for Russia.”

However, Associated Press reports reveal that of the 400 ninjas that attack Medvedev, 14 were American.

It was unknown at press time if any of the survivors of the attack were American.

RUSSIAN NINJAS TRAINING:

Seeking revenge for the Georgian conflict last year, President Mikheil Saakashvili hired 400 ninjas to attack the Kremlin late last evening.

The goal of the attack was to remove Dmitry Medvedev from power and install American actor Dolph Lundgren, waiting at the border for his moment to seize control.

Unfortunately for Saakashvili and the 400 ninjas, Medvedev was found armed with a pumice stone, with which he single-handedly defeated each attacker one by one.

Lundgren was forced to withdraw and regroup with the Georgian forces.

“I will live to fight another day,” he stated as he rode his bike off into the sunset.

After celebrating until four in the morning in his reelection bid, Minneapolis , Minnesota Mayor RT Rybak was seen ordering White Castle with four other people.

The White Castle restaurant, located on the city’s famed Lake Street, supplied the mayor and his entourage with a reported 25 sliders, a bag of fries, five large sodas and a small order of onion petals.

After ordering the food, Mayor Rybak was seen banging on the military recruiters office. Witnesses report there was heavy volumes of tears as Rybak continued to say he made a “big mistake” and “joining the army may be his only way out.”

INTERPRETATION OF RYBAK’S VICTORY PARTY:

According to a press release by Abdullah Abdullah, presidential challenger in the Afghan election against incumbent Hamid Karzai, announced that he would not participate in the run-off election.

Despite great success at the polls, forcing a constitutionally-mandated follow-up vote, Abdullah Abdullah chose to forgo his right and hand over the election to his opponent.

Sources close to him report that the reason for his decision is the fact that he wants to watch the World Series.

Abdullah Abdullah is widely-known as a major Philadelphia Phillies fan and has allegedly become “highly involved” in the championship series. Sources also confirm that he has placed a major bet with rival Karzai, a well-known New York Yankees fan, regarding the outcome of the best-of-seven games.

A group of guys from the local gym decided last Thursday that they would travel back in time and trash the Japanese Navy before it had the opportunity to inflict damage on the United States at Pearl Harbor.

Following a short exchange by John Goodwhin, a local championship bodybuilder, and Charles Trongold, high school wrestling champ, about the fact that they could take the whole Japanese fleet in the middle of the ocean “if they were there.” Bennie Rockford, the local high school physics teacher, told the two that they could travel through time and defeat the Japanese military with just a few simple projects.

Explaining the overall dedication to the two very ripped men, Bennie invited them back to his house to work over the details. According to sources close to the individuals, after the morning’s breakfast, they will be fast on their way to World War II Japan for some serious ass kicking.

A press release from the State of Nevada has reported that OJ Simpson has escaped prison. The State Department has gone on record saying that the famous running back has been sighted on the Afghan-Pakistan border operating with the Taliban.

Initial reports state that Simpson has been given control over a small village.

A spokesperson for the Nevada State Correctional Board claimed that Simpson used a makeshift knife to escape from the minimum-security facility during lunch. Apparently, most of the guards were interested in getting security-camera footage of OJ and themselves. He then commandeered another white Ford Bronco and made a dash to a hidden airport where he flew to Myanmar, before being smuggled into the war-torn region.

The State Department refused to comment further and a representative from CENTCOM has yet to respond.

The Associated Press has announced that North and South Korea will resolve its long national crisis by a winner-take-all game of Risk.

After a long negotiation over which type to play, ambassadors agreed that Risk: Godstorm would be the best.

All six nations in the six-party talks will take part: North Korea, South Korea, China, Russia, Japan and the United States.

Representing the countries will be a number of high ranking officials, including “master players” Kim Jong-nam, Kim Jong-Il’s son, and US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

In a harsh letter of criticism, God has announced that he or she has given up on the chance for peace in the Middle East.

The press release stated that “after centuries of attempts at symbolic signs and chances as self-reliance, both the Jewish and Muslim populations have made very little progress. I wash my hands of the situation.”

Many theologians are pointing at those last words as a reference to the Biblical character of Pontius Pilot.

Both Jewish and Muslim religious leaders have stated that they do not take note of the statement. In a joint statement, they claim that “the Christian God has no bearing whatsoever on our actions.”

The Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, West Bank Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas and Gaza Palestinian President Aziz Duwaik have all gone on record they will meet immediately to discuss this matter personally.

The new Torchwood miniseries “Children of Earth” has caused an uptick of violence in Southeast Asia.

The BBC has refused to broadcast the coveted show throughout Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia and Burma, causing a resurgence of civil war between die-hard Doctor Who fans and those who support the BBC’s work on Torchwood.

“Apparently, there are a number of fans of the television show who are angry with rival Whovians and the BBC,” stated U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, currently on a trip throughout Asia.

Four bombings in Ho Chi Minh City alone have caused a reported 68 deaths and a number of casualties.

“We ask that the BBC rethink its decision and air the miniseries on public television,” said Clinton.

Bootleg copies have been confiscated by a number of police officials.

Southeast Asia was the site of a protracted war during the mid-20th century between Communist and Nationalist forces as well as intervention by the French and U.S. militaries.

In a nod to Jane Fonda’s famous performance for North Vietnamese troops during the Vietnam conflict, musician Moby will entertain the troops this Saturday with works from his newest record as well as older hits.

“While not fully released in the communist country, the advanced copies of the album currently being distributed by radio stations are having huge success with the public,” stated Moby’s spokesperson, “This is great for my client’s image.”

Moby, a die-hard communist and Marxist revolutionary, has long supported socialist regimes such as that in Vietnam, China, Laos and North Korea.

Last summer, Moby took a trip to Cuba where he met with Fidel and Raul Castro and played a set at the famed Havana Baseball Stadium.

He plans to meet with Kim Jong-Il sometime this fall.

Moby declined to comment on whether this performance in Vietnam will coincide with his new promotions with Coca-Cola and support for Jennie-O Turkey’s questionable practices.

Reports coming in from a number of U.S. troops in Iraq state that they are excited about the opportunity to pull out of the major cities in the country and plan on celebrating by grilling.

“I don’t think we’ll just leave it at that,” said one soldier from the 10th Mountain Division, “I believe there’ll be football playing, TV watching and maybe even some Nintendo Wii.”

Signed at the end of the Bush administration, the deal to pull all U.S. combat forces from the country’s major cities is a stepping stone for the ultimate withdrawel of all U.S. troops from the country as a whole.

The Iraqi forces will be in charge of all major combat operations within the nation’s cities, including Baghdad as of June 30.

U.S. forces will be relegated to actions in outer provinces and support for the government’s operations.

Even as investigators pry into the exact circumstances surrounding the death of famed pitchman Billy Mays, new evidence has been found that links him to the coup that ousted President Jose Manuel Zelaya from power.

“Apparently Mays has been funneling a portion of his proceeds from selling products such as OxyClean and ShamWow to the Honduran Congress and Army,” stated FBI analyst Trevor McIntosh.

Mays is most famous for his appearances on the Home Shopping Network and a number of television advertisements for various products. He was also famous for shouting slogans and product names at the camera in a style reminiscent of that loud talking guy from Twin Peaks.

It was announced late on Sunday that president of the Honduran Congress, Roberto Micheletti, would take over the role as provisional leader of the country.

Famed Kellog’s spokesperson, Tucan Sam, has been identified in crowd photos as taking part in the protests of election results in Iran. Last Friday, Mahmoud Amadenijad was reelected in an election that has many international monitors questioning the validity.

Tucan Sam recently converted to Islam and has had a very public battle with the Kellog’s company over his future with the company and its Froot Loops brand.

The photo and short video show the spokesman wearing green along with a number of other protesters.

Today, the Supreme Leader singled out the colorful character as a threat to stability throughout the country. Orders have been given to arrest Tucan Sam on sight.

In an effort to win the hearts and minds of many of the tribes that are situated within Taliban-controlled Pakistan, NATO forces have air dropped surplus copies of classic Sylvester Stallone films on HDDVD. Among the titles to choose from are Rocky IV, Copland, Cobra and Over the Top.

A spokesman for NATO forces points to the availablity often titles due to the fact that Blue-Ray won the 21st century version of the format wars.

“We don’t think that the tribesmen should care or even know that they are getting an inferior technology,” said Lt. Col. Paul Carpenter, “They will make fine additions to their collections. Everyone likes to see Stallone blow up crap!”

This news was followed by a statement from the US Marine Corps that a consignement of HDDVD players was accidentally dropped within the confines of the Pakistani forces.

“I hope this development doesn’t mean that factions will be fighting over the players and the disks. That would be pointless. Kind of like when Stallone made Oscar.”

In the latest blow to environmental protection, famed public relations personality Charlie the Tuna was caught and killed by a Japanese fishing boat late last week.

According to StarKist company spokesman Chester Jacobs, “The loss of our company spokesman is a great travesty to the world of corporate imagery. We just hope that the Japanese industry will turn over the remains to his family for a proper burial. Or canning, we are still in talks with the estate.”

The Japanese fishing industry has stated that it was merely fishing within its territorial waters and the death of Charlie the Tuna was simply an excercise in capitalism.

The fish is expected to garner over $150,000 at auction.

In what the White House is calling an international public relations crisis, Italian representative to the International Culinary Association, Chef Boyardee, was found drunk on the U.S.S. Enterprise.

The international competition of great culinary experts was held this year aboard the aircraft carrier in an effort to help stimulate the troops.

Unfortunately, Italy’s representative, Mr. Boyardee, apparently proceeded to take shot after shot of Jamaican rum and was found in a bathroom on the lower decks.

The full ramifications to the International Culinary Association and one of the most successful brands of Italian ready-to-eat products in America is yet unknown.

In an effort to help build the hearts and minds of Iraqis, Sir Richard Branson has stated that he will be sending his newest acquisition, the guy from the Monopoly game, to the war-torn country as a good will gesture.

“Loved by many and hated by millions, the Monopoly guy has become a symbol of American hegemony. I bid the Iraqis freedom to do with him as they see fit,” stated Branson in a press conference.

This follows Branson’s recent purchase of the bitchy girl down the street for the Somali pirates and that guy who really gets on your nerves at the local bar for extradition to Laos.

According to the Associated Press, pirates off the coast of Somalia have hijacked a ship carrying Ronald McDonald and 40 tons of frozen “all-beef” patties.

McDonald is said to be in high spirits, according to the US Navy, who have been in contact with the pirates.

“We have information that Mr. McDonald is currently performing magic tricks for his captors,” said a representative from the Department of Defense.

A spokesman from the McDonald’s Corporation stated that they understand the US does not cooperate with kidnappers or terrorists, but expressed wariness over the progress being done to retrieve the company’s celebrity.

This news comes as a shock to the fast-food world, which is still recovering from the tragic overdose of Grimace on heroin and the arrest of the Hamburgler for sodomy of a cow.

The famed and loved icon of the American frozen food industry, Jolly Green Giant, has reportedly joined the Marine Corps.

A spokesman for the vegetable company stated that, despite protests from the Board of Directors, the Jolly Green Giant has chosen to fulfill his duties to a country that has given him so much.

The Marine Corps reports they are proud to have him but don’t look forward to having to get him a desert khaki in his size.

“If we were back in the Nam, we wouldn’t even bother. Bastard’s green for God’s sake!” said an unnamed staff advisor at the Pentagon.

The Jolly Green Giant has reportedly released a statement, “Ho ho ho.”

Additional reports coming in as we go to press say that Sprout has joined the anti-war movement and is planning to speak at a rally near Blue Earth, Minnesota.

In a surprise announcement by the NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that he would personally oversee the ending of the war in Iraq by utilizing the combined might of the National Football League.

“After much thinking, I’ve determined that the NFL is in the best position to bring the insurgency to an end, win the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people and rebuild the country as a whole,” he said at today’s press conference at Giant Stadium.

According to the press release, the new rookie draft picks will lead the way with an elite assemblage of veteran players. Platoons and brigades will be established based on teams and divisions.

In a surprise move by Goodell, he stated that the Detroit Lions and Houston Texans will be left behind to ensure the homeland is protected.