World at War

  Chef Boyardee

After being found drunk aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise last May, the recent court martial of the famed Italian chef, Chef Boyardee, has left the entrepreneur shamed and marched out of the Navy. He returned to the United States, where he has recently taken up residency in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

However, recent reports of the municipal elections in early November have linked Chef Boyardee to the reelection campaign of R.T. Rybak, mayor of the city.

RT Rybak

According to inside sources, the mayor and the chef worked closely on preparing his victory party celebration.

“That is why nearly everything at the party featured highly-processed noodle stuffs with the meat and tomato sauce. Of course, there was nacho cheese Twistaroni for the kids,” stated one of Rybak’s closest aids.

Rybak, himself, had a breakdown of sorts that night due to too much ingestion of the high fructose corn syrup in the sauce and ended up at a White Castle and screaming at the local Army recruitment center.

“Mayor Rybak has a large allergy to HFCS’s,” stated the aid.

When pressed as to why Rybak was seen at the recruitment center, the aid declined further questions.

Chef Boyardee himself was stripped from the mayor’s staff shortly after the politician’s announcement that he would make a bid for the governorship of Minnesota.

Charlie the Tuna’s Grave

The chef is now believed to be somewhere in Southeast Asia. Those close to him state that he “has a score to settle with those bastards who got Charlie the Tuna .”

 THE CHEF AT THE CENTER OF THE CONTROVERSY:

SOME OF THE CHEF’S PROPAGANDA:

According to a recent Pentagon report, the contingent of troops in Iraq manned by the Jolly Green Giant and the NFL team, the Cleveland Browns, were attacked by the combined forces of Pakistan, the Taliban and a bunch of ninjas.

The Pentagon believes this is the work of Pakistan’s leadership change, when James Carville took the Presidency through a coup . Aided by other recent celebrity leaders, O.J. Simpson and Dolph Lundgren, this trifecta is expected to continue wreaking havoc on U.S. and Coalition troops.

O.J. Simpson successfully escaped from his Nevada prison cell a few months ago and took command of a Taliban contingent. Meanwhile, the CIA believes that Lundgren is working with a left-wing cell of ninjas from somewhere in Asia.

Lundgren’s recent escapade into Moscow made international headlines, due to the level of the assassination plot of Russian leader Dmitry Medvedev, as well as its inefficiency to kill the President.

Although they took a number of casualties, the Cleveland Browns were able to fight off the forces and secure their military installation in Kirkuk.

Dolph Lundgren Training for His New Mission:

After the NFL reported that they would join the armed forces and help take care of the situation in Iraq, the famed Jolly Green Giant, having recently joined himself , was recently awarded a leadership position over the Cleveland Browns.

“Ho Ho Ho, I am proud to lead one of the greatest teams ever assembled into battle to help retain the fledgling democracy in Iraq,” Jolly Green Giant stated at a recent press conference.

When asked why he was so happy about working with one of the worst teams in modern history, the Jolly Green Giant simply stated that he was “pleasantly oblivious.”

In response to the press conference, the former Cleveland NFL coach, Eric Mangini, stated that he was disappointed in the U.S. military’s choice for a commanding officer.

His opinion was shared by the Jolly Green Giant’s former sidekick, Sprout, “I think it’s a terrible idea. No one knows Green’s idea of command. He drinks too much and always pressures people into eating black eyed peas with okra. I don’t know, I like it but not everyone does.”

Green Giant is expected to take charge of the Cleveland Browns in Kirkuk.

 Song Written for the Jolly Green Giant’s Escapade:

After Wednesday night’s attack by 400 ninjas on Dmitry Medvedev, the 12 survivors are being held outside of Moscow for questions, according to sources close to the Kremlin.

“The interrogation is being personally overseen by Vladimir Putin. He likes this sort of thing,” reported Medvedev’s press secretary.

When asked to comment on the situation at a recent State Department press conference, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton declined to comment. Reporting that it was an “internal matter for Russia.”

However, Associated Press reports reveal that of the 400 ninjas that attack Medvedev, 14 were American.

It was unknown at press time if any of the survivors of the attack were American.

RUSSIAN NINJAS TRAINING:

Seeking revenge for the Georgian conflict last year, President Mikheil Saakashvili hired 400 ninjas to attack the Kremlin late last evening.

The goal of the attack was to remove Dmitry Medvedev from power and install American actor Dolph Lundgren, waiting at the border for his moment to seize control.

Unfortunately for Saakashvili and the 400 ninjas, Medvedev was found armed with a pumice stone, with which he single-handedly defeated each attacker one by one.

Lundgren was forced to withdraw and regroup with the Georgian forces.

“I will live to fight another day,” he stated as he rode his bike off into the sunset.

After celebrating until four in the morning in his reelection bid, Minneapolis, Minnesota Mayor RT Rybak was seen ordering White Castle with four other people.

The White Castle restaurant, located on the city’s famed Lake Street, supplied the mayor and his entourage with a reported 25 sliders, a bag of fries, five large sodas and a small order of onion petals.

After ordering the food, Mayor Rybak was seen banging on the military recruiters office. Witnesses report there was heavy volumes of tears as Rybak continued to say he made a “big mistake” and “joining the army may be his only way out.”

INTERPRETATION OF RYBAK’S VICTORY PARTY:

According to a press release by Abdullah Abdullah, presidential challenger in the Afghan election against incumbent Hamid Karzai, announced that he would not participate in the run-off election.

Despite great success at the polls, forcing a constitutionally-mandated follow-up vote, Abdullah Abdullah chose to forgo his right and hand over the election to his opponent.

Sources close to him report that the reason for his decision is the fact that he wants to watch the World Series.

Abdullah Abdullah is widely-known as a major Philadelphia Phillies fan and has allegedly become “highly involved” in the championship series. Sources also confirm that he has placed a major bet with rival Karzai, a well-known New York Yankees fan, regarding the outcome of the best-of-seven games.