World at War

The Associated Press has announced that North and South Korea will resolve its long national crisis by a winner-take-all game of Risk.

After a long negotiation over which type to play, ambassadors agreed that Risk: Godstorm would be the best.

All six nations in the six-party talks will take part: North Korea, South Korea, China, Russia, Japan and the United States.

Representing the countries will be a number of high ranking officials, including “master players” Kim Jong-nam, Kim Jong-Il’s son, and US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

In a harsh letter of criticism, God has announced that he or she has given up on the chance for peace in the Middle East.

The press release stated that “after centuries of attempts at symbolic signs and chances as self-reliance, both the Jewish and Muslim populations have made very little progress. I wash my hands of the situation.”

Many theologians are pointing at those last words as a reference to the Biblical character of Pontius Pilot.

Both Jewish and Muslim religious leaders have stated that they do not take note of the statement. In a joint statement, they claim that “the Christian God has no bearing whatsoever on our actions.”

The Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, West Bank Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas and Gaza Palestinian President Aziz Duwaik have all gone on record they will meet immediately to discuss this matter personally.

The new Torchwood miniseries “Children of Earth” has caused an uptick of violence in Southeast Asia.

The BBC has refused to broadcast the coveted show throughout Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia and Burma, causing a resurgence of civil war between die-hard Doctor Who fans and those who support the BBC’s work on Torchwood.

“Apparently, there are a number of fans of the television show who are angry with rival Whovians and the BBC,” stated U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, currently on a trip throughout Asia.

Four bombings in Ho Chi Minh City alone have caused a reported 68 deaths and a number of casualties.

“We ask that the BBC rethink its decision and air the miniseries on public television,” said Clinton.

Bootleg copies have been confiscated by a number of police officials.

Southeast Asia was the site of a protracted war during the mid-20th century between Communist and Nationalist forces as well as intervention by the French and U.S. militaries.

In a nod to Jane Fonda’s famous performance for North Vietnamese troops during the Vietnam conflict, musician Moby will entertain the troops this Saturday with works from his newest record as well as older hits.

“While not fully released in the communist country, the advanced copies of the album currently being distributed by radio stations are having huge success with the public,” stated Moby’s spokesperson, “This is great for my client’s image.”

Moby, a die-hard communist and Marxist revolutionary, has long supported socialist regimes such as that in Vietnam, China, Laos and North Korea.

Last summer, Moby took a trip to Cuba where he met with Fidel and Raul Castro and played a set at the famed Havana Baseball Stadium.

He plans to meet with Kim Jong-Il sometime this fall.

Moby declined to comment on whether this performance in Vietnam will coincide with his new promotions with Coca-Cola and support for Jennie-O Turkey’s questionable practices.