World at War

Reports coming in from a number of U.S. troops in Iraq state that they are excited about the opportunity to pull out of the major cities in the country and plan on celebrating by grilling.

“I don’t think we’ll just leave it at that,” said one soldier from the 10th Mountain Division, “I believe there’ll be football playing, TV watching and maybe even some Nintendo Wii.”

Signed at the end of the Bush administration, the deal to pull all U.S. combat forces from the country’s major cities is a stepping stone for the ultimate withdrawel of all U.S. troops from the country as a whole.

The Iraqi forces will be in charge of all major combat operations within the nation’s cities, including Baghdad as of June 30.

U.S. forces will be relegated to actions in outer provinces and support for the government’s operations.

Even as investigators pry into the exact circumstances surrounding the death of famed pitchman Billy Mays, new evidence has been found that links him to the coup that ousted President Jose Manuel Zelaya from power.

“Apparently Mays has been funneling a portion of his proceeds from selling products such as OxyClean and ShamWow to the Honduran Congress and Army,” stated FBI analyst Trevor McIntosh.

Mays is most famous for his appearances on the Home Shopping Network and a number of television advertisements for various products. He was also famous for shouting slogans and product names at the camera in a style reminiscent of that loud talking guy from Twin Peaks.

It was announced late on Sunday that president of the Honduran Congress, Roberto Micheletti, would take over the role as provisional leader of the country.

Famed Kellog’s spokesperson, Tucan Sam, has been identified in crowd photos as taking part in the protests of election results in Iran. Last Friday, Mahmoud Amadenijad was reelected in an election that has many international monitors questioning the validity.

Tucan Sam recently converted to Islam and has had a very public battle with the Kellog’s company over his future with the company and its Froot Loops brand.

The photo and short video show the spokesman wearing green along with a number of other protesters.

Today, the Supreme Leader singled out the colorful character as a threat to stability throughout the country. Orders have been given to arrest Tucan Sam on sight.