World at War

In an effort to win the hearts and minds of many of the tribes that are situated within Taliban-controlled Pakistan, NATO forces have air dropped surplus copies of classic Sylvester Stallone films on HDDVD. Among the titles to choose from are Rocky IV, Copland, Cobra and Over the Top.

A spokesman for NATO forces points to the availablity often titles due to the fact that Blue-Ray won the 21st century version of the format wars.

“We don’t think that the tribesmen should care or even know that they are getting an inferior technology,” said Lt. Col. Paul Carpenter, “They will make fine additions to their collections. Everyone likes to see Stallone blow up crap!”

This news was followed by a statement from the US Marine Corps that a consignement of HDDVD players was accidentally dropped within the confines of the Pakistani forces.

“I hope this development doesn’t mean that factions will be fighting over the players and the disks. That would be pointless. Kind of like when Stallone made Oscar.”

In the latest blow to environmental protection, famed public relations personality Charlie the Tuna was caught and killed by a Japanese fishing boat late last week.

According to StarKist company spokesman Chester Jacobs, “The loss of our company spokesman is a great travesty to the world of corporate imagery. We just hope that the Japanese industry will turn over the remains to his family for a proper burial. Or canning, we are still in talks with the estate.”

The Japanese fishing industry has stated that it was merely fishing within its territorial waters and the death of Charlie the Tuna was simply an excercise in capitalism.

The fish is expected to garner over $150,000 at auction.

In what the White House is calling an international public relations crisis, Italian representative to the International Culinary Association, Chef Boyardee, was found drunk on the U.S.S. Enterprise.

The international competition of great culinary experts was held this year aboard the aircraft carrier in an effort to help stimulate the troops.

Unfortunately, Italy’s representative, Mr. Boyardee, apparently proceeded to take shot after shot of Jamaican rum and was found in a bathroom on the lower decks.

The full ramifications to the International Culinary Association and one of the most successful brands of Italian ready-to-eat products in America is yet unknown.

In an effort to help build the hearts and minds of Iraqis, Sir Richard Branson has stated that he will be sending his newest acquisition, the guy from the Monopoly game, to the war-torn country as a good will gesture.

“Loved by many and hated by millions, the Monopoly guy has become a symbol of American hegemony. I bid the Iraqis freedom to do with him as they see fit,” stated Branson in a press conference.

This follows Branson’s recent purchase of the bitchy girl down the street for the Somali pirates and that guy who really gets on your nerves at the local bar for extradition to Laos.

According to the Associated Press, pirates off the coast of Somalia have hijacked a ship carrying Ronald McDonald and 40 tons of frozen “all-beef” patties.

McDonald is said to be in high spirits, according to the US Navy, who have been in contact with the pirates.

“We have information that Mr. McDonald is currently performing magic tricks for his captors,” said a representative from the Department of Defense.

A spokesman from the McDonald’s Corporation stated that they understand the US does not cooperate with kidnappers or terrorists, but expressed wariness over the progress being done to retrieve the company’s celebrity.

This news comes as a shock to the fast-food world, which is still recovering from the tragic overdose of Grimace on heroin and the arrest of the Hamburgler for sodomy of a cow.

The famed and loved icon of the American frozen food industry, Jolly Green Giant, has reportedly joined the Marine Corps.

A spokesman for the vegetable company stated that, despite protests from the Board of Directors, the Jolly Green Giant has chosen to fulfill his duties to a country that has given him so much.

The Marine Corps reports they are proud to have him but don’t look forward to having to get him a desert khaki in his size.

“If we were back in the Nam, we wouldn’t even bother. Bastard’s green for God’s sake!” said an unnamed staff advisor at the Pentagon.

The Jolly Green Giant has reportedly released a statement, “Ho ho ho.”

Additional reports coming in as we go to press say that Sprout has joined the anti-war movement and is planning to speak at a rally near Blue Earth, Minnesota.

In a surprise announcement by the NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that he would personally oversee the ending of the war in Iraq by utilizing the combined might of the National Football League.

“After much thinking, I’ve determined that the NFL is in the best position to bring the insurgency to an end, win the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people and rebuild the country as a whole,” he said at today’s press conference at Giant Stadium.

According to the press release, the new rookie draft picks will lead the way with an elite assemblage of veteran players. Platoons and brigades will be established based on teams and divisions.

In a surprise move by Goodell, he stated that the Detroit Lions and Houston Texans will be left behind to ensure the homeland is protected.

Following a recent military consultation, Russian President Medvedev has declared a combination of crab and pomegranate as the official state food.

The meeting took place on Friday in which Medvedev fell in love with the dish, accompanied by macaroni and cheese and a game of telephone tag.

He quickly ordered the government to consolidate all crab and pomegranate importers under state control.

According to sources close to the Kremlin, Medvedev will personally promote a new product he’s calling “Crabagranate.” Initial press releases show the young president with a chef hat and a thumbs up on a small can.

Famed political analyst and Clinton election team official James Carville has surprisingly pulled off a once-in-a-lifetime coup de’tat in Pakistan.

Following the flood of bad news regarding the overwhelming attacks by the Taliban, just 20 miles from Islamibad, Carville took over the civilian government in a bloodless change of power.

Taking personal command over the country’s military, Carville successfully toppled the government by imprisoning the present leadership and claiming himself supreme leader.

Aided by angry Renaissance Festival reinactors, the coup appeared from many journalists perspective as an elaborate Hollywood production starring people who live in their parents basements.

The full ramifications are still being debated.