World at War

Recent documents have been released showing that absolute monarch of Latveria, Victor Von Doom was waterboarded over 200 times by Reed Richards, also known as Mister Fantastic of the Fantastic Four.

Release of the documents comes on the heals of a nationwide investigation over how the Avengers and other groups treat captured super-villains.

Richards refrained from giving a public statement, however, Johnny Storm (The Human Torch) did give a press conference.

“I’ve said before and I’ll say again, the Fantastic Four does not torture.”

When asked if the cosmic quartet considered waterboarding torture, he explained that he could not discuss what methods are used by the Fantastic Four and other super teams, otherwise the villains could get the upper hand.

Other documents reveal that an unknown hero attached a pair of electrodes to the testicles of the Lizard.

Just across the wire from the Associated Press. The recent outbreak of swine flu in New York City has apparently killed Spider-Man.

Recently, the spectacular webslinger saved a number of students who had just returned from a field trip to Mexico.

Unfortunately, it appears that the scarlet avenger was infected with swine flu and has become the first victim in the tragic outbreak ravaging citizens across the US, Mexico and Canada.

Iron Man commented on the great tragedy, “He will be missed. However, we need to get to the bottom of this tragedy. And someone’s got to stop Doc Ock! I’ve got to go!”

Famed newspaper editor, J. Jonah Jameson, who broke the story also commented, “Thank God! It’s about time.”

A ridiculously drunk Russian pilot was shot down over northern Ontario late last night. This is the latest incident in the ongoing conflict between the Russian Federation and the combined might of the Canadian government.

The pilot was found wandering around the suburbs of Toronto after a Canadian crop duster, the ultimate force in the country’s  arsenal, shot down a Russian spy plane. Authorities state that the pilot was indeed drunk. They found a bottle of vodka and four Cuban cigars on his person.

Russian authorities have refused to comment.

“This is yet another example of Russian aggression,”  stated the Canadian Prime Minister.

The Canadian government has responded by mobilizing a few more crop dusters to patrol the skies over Manitoba and other provinces.

“We will not be held ransom by a major world power. Our air force will die protecting the rights of the Canadian people,” stated the Canadian Prime Minister.

In an unseen turn of events, Fidel Castro has been granted immunity in the U.S. after a shocking escape from Cuba.

Monday, the Congressional Black Caucus of the U.S. visited Cuba, meeting with Raul Castro and touring installations and schools. Suddenly, someone announced that Fidel Castro would like to meet with them.

After discussing policies of the new Cuban government and a possible end to the nearly five decade-old embargo, Castro disappeared from the room.

The Caucus boarded the plane and returned to the U.S. As the group was leaving the plane, security realized that an extra member had joined. Security intervened and found that it was none other than the former communist strongman in disguise.

“We couldn’t believe it. It was Fidel, dressed in a nice suit and wearing Blackface makeup,” stated one security officer.

He immediately requested immunity, which, according to U.S. law is provided to all Cuban exiles once they reach U.S. soil.

“Apparently, he had already purchased a nice Manhattan loft and has decided to retire to New York City,” said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, “We also have reports that he’s already signed to make cameo in the next Woody Allen picture.”

Following an overwhelming takeover by the Bolsheviks in Moldava, a number of capitalist mercenaries invaded the presidential palace of Vladimir Voronin.

Reports at this hour are sketchy at best, but it appears that a force from Romania, financially backed by Wal-Mart and PepsiCo seem to have invaded the palace and set up a retail market.

The rioters and mercenaries painted anti-communist slogans and a variety of pop art around the residence as retail and fast food managers began organizing their employees for the opening of a new mini-mall located inside the palace.

“The Wal-Mart logo is already in place and we’re set with our first Pizza Hut and Taco Bell locations,” stated Jordan Hanson, an American assistant manger of KFC who looks forward to his new opportunity.

“In the past, we’ve had to wait for the dust to settle in a communist nation before businesses moved in. This time we’re just moving in and making the communists get out of our way.”

Pyongyang has announced today that an attempt to shoot down the rocket that North Korea is about to launch will be an act of war.

Specifically, Pyongyang said that it would declare war on Japan. The government stated that if any country attempts to shoot down the rocket, it would immediately invade the Japanese mainland.

The reason they have chosen to punish Japan is a simple act of chance. They apparently put all the surrounding countries names in a box, shook it and pulled out Japan. There is rumors by a number of generals that state they had hoped that they pulled Russia’s name, as they believe that dominating that nation would give North Korea much power.

With this information, the United Nations decided that it would continue with all of its sanctions and release a response in regards to the invasion of Japan by simply saying, “No you won’t.”