World at War

Canada has announced a new proposal in dealing with what the Prime Minister calls its “Russia problem.”

They are mobilizing a strategic wing of its elite air brigade to patrol the regions that are most affected.

Russian air force has continued to violate Canadian air space, despite continued pressure from NATO and the United States.

The Russian Ambassador to Ottawa stated that the Russia is having difficulties identifying the exact border regions near the Arctic that belong to Canada. Most of these regions have not been identified as belonging to one nation or another.

As oil revenue continues to rise in the Arctic region, analysts believe conflicts between Russia and Canada will continue. The real question is what side much of the Nordic European countries as well as Greenland will fall into.

Like a scene out of Star Wars where the Republic begins to fall apart, a vote of no confidence has caused the Czech government to collapse.

The government, led by Prime Minister Mirek Topolanek, lost the vote due to its handling of the recent economic crisis and its support for the American anti-missile defense system.

The vote was 101 to 96 in the lower house of the Czech Parliament.

This marks a major turning point in the consolidation of a new Iron Curtain led by Russia. It is expected that Emperor Putin is behind the entire event and will claim leadership.

The Jedi are expected to intervene under the leadership of Samuel L. Jackson. However, young Hayden Christiansen thinks he deserves spot on the council and may wreck everything.

In a freakishly surprise, the North Korean government requested Washington stop issuing them humanitarian aid.

Pyongyang reportedly threatened to launch another missile test if the continued aid supplies kept coming.

Last week, the North Koreans asked for more humanitarian aid otherwise they would conduct the exact same missile test.

According to State Department spokesman Robert Wood, the U.S. received the official request a few days ago.

“Clearly, this is food assistance that the North Korean people need. That’s why we’re concerned,” he said.

Statistics show that the U.S. supplied nearly 169,000 metric tons of aid.

The U.S. is confused. South Korea and Japan are confused. Everyone’s confused.

The Democratic Republic of CongoUganda reported that it sill begin withdrawing soldiers from the Democratic Republic of Congo.

Three months ago, the Democratic Republic of CongoUganda decided to forgo the fact that its not nice to invade another democratic republic, especially one that basically has its same name and search for member of the rebel Lord’s Resistance Army.

Since both are Democratic Republics added name only, also known as DRANOs, CongoUganda has made a point to pull all 3,000 troops within the next eight days.

The success of the operation was limited, killing about 150 rebels or innocent farmers and releasing 200 kidnapped innocent farmers or rebels. The force basically lost track of who it was at war with and began razing villages.

The Ugandan army was also supported by forces from southern Sudan who are widely known for their wonderful human rights concerns in Darfur.

In an effort to continue its resurgence of the Soviet Union, Russia will send strategic bombers to Cuba.

According to the country’s Interfax news agency, the Cuban airfields will be used during patrol missions.

These airfields are anywhere from 40 to 200 miles off the Florida coast.

“There are four or five airfields in Cuba with 4,000-meter-long runways, which absolutely suit us,” said Maj. Gen. Anatoly Zhikharev.

Cuban officials have failed to respond to questions from the U.S. and Canada.

Recently, Canada was invaded by Russian warplanes which had to be turned away.

Russia has also recently made a deal with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez to use if La Orchila island as a base for Russia’s strategic bombers.

The Chinese military has accused the U.S. Navy of spying on its operations near the southern coast. In an article published in the state-run China Daily newspaper, officials stated that the U.S. ship, the Impeccable was loaded with spying equipment with the intent of analyzing the defense perimeter.

This comes on the heels of a U.S. buildup of forces in Taiwan.

The Pentagon has reported that it has no intentions of escalating the buildup entitled the somewhat questionable “Operation Egg Roll” into a full-blown military campaign.

The U.S. naval ship, which did deliver a large amount of data back to Taiwan according to the Undersecretary of the Navy, is said to have just been facilitating the filming of a new action film starring Vin Diesel. “We often work with Hollywood productions to make sure they get a realistic vision of what life on a naval vessel is really like. Entering foreign waters makes helps the actors.”

According to an Arabic newspaper, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has agreed to sign a peace deal with its neighbor Israel.

He stated that he believes Syria and Israel will soon be able to exchange embessies.

The conditions regarding peace are two-fold. First, Israel must make peace with the Palestinians. This includes a two-state solution and withdrawal of all forces. The second, all Jewish people must leave Israel.

When asked if these two conditions can feasibly be met, the Syrian president stated, “If the Israeli people are serious about peace, then a deal with Palestine must be reached and all Zionists must leave. It’s that simple.”

In a symbolic demonstration of the small country’s newfound global power, the Kyrgyz parliament has ordered the immediate and unconditonal removal of U.S. combat troops from its borders.

Little known to most Americans, Kyrgyzstan was one of the “other” countries invaded by U.S. forces following 9/11.

President Kurmanbek Bakiyev signed the decree on February 20, issuing orders for all troops to evacuate the northern airbase of Manas.

This comes on the heels of Kyrgyzstan announcing it had become the world’s only superpower left on the planet.

Critics of the order state that Bakiyev’s announcement of global supremacy is a bit premature as the country has a very unstable economy and barely any military to speak of. However, representatives from the government claim none of that matters and Bakiyev’s high score in the latest edition of Halo has given him enough street cred to make a statement like this.

The irony was not lost on U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton when, at a West Bank meeting of Habitat for Humanity, the representative from the Palestinian chapter begged Israel to stop demolishing their newly built homes.

Clinton addressed concerns over Israel’s attempt to “win hearts and minds” by destroying the homes mere moments after construction is completed.

A Habitat for Humanity spokesman in the U.S. responded to the new information, “So that’s why the Palestinian chapter is chronically over budget and behind schedule.” He went on to say, “The ironic part about it is that all the construction material comes from Israel. Then they send in their military and tear down the houses. Round up the materials and re-sell them to the Palestinians. Great business model, though.”

An exciting event for new NATO member nation Estonia occurs this week as they host the first ever Baltic Host Exercise 2009: Electric Boogaloo. This newly-planned annual event will feature catering from neighboring Latvia and entertainment supplied by the Lithuanian Defense Ministry.

The goal is to simulate a crisis situation in a Baltic country in which NATO troops must coordinate a landing and an attack on Russia.

“This exercise isn’t directed specifically at Russia,” said the Lithuanian Defense Minister, “It’s just that no one else in this region seems to hate us so much for helping to knock down the iron curtain.”

Hors’ Dourves will be served promptly served upon landing of U.S. and U.K. forces. Everyone expects France to be fashionably late. Lithuania plans on showing a video montage of footage from Soviet atrocities and old Dr. Seuss cartoons.

As they have in recent months, Russian aircraft invaded Canadian airspace . The latest attempt by Russia to intimidate the Canadian government and military came as a response to U.S. President Barack Obama’s trip to meet his counterpart to the north.

Canadian fighter jets intercepted two Russian bombers and escorted them back into international airspace.

“This is a regular occurrence that has been escalating as the defined territory between our two countries has been in question over the arctic since oil reserves appear to be more lucrative that previously thought,” stated Canadian defense minister on Friday.

Analysts believe this signals a new found tension between Russia, one of the world’s largest militaries, and Canada, with a few guys on horseback.