World at War

Haitian Refugee with Kosher Pretzel

Despite a drastic need for food supplies, Haiti has denied a shipment of pretzels from the Rold Gold company claiming that they use non-Kosher salt.

When asked why a predominately Christian country would deny a product that is not Kosher, government representatives say that they consider the low quality of the product to be the primary concern. “We are concerned about our Jewish population, however, we Christians have standards, too. It’s a simple quality issue.”

Rold Gold attempted to address the concern, but rival company Snyder’s of Hanover were able to deliver a shipment before the corporation to respond.

A spokesperson for Rold Gold stated to reporters that it believes Snyder’s has convinced the population of the importance of Kosher salt in order to undercut Haitian and Dominican Republic sales as well as put a bad face on the company.

Snyder’s of Hanover has refused to respond.

BEHIND THE SCENES REENACTMENT ON THE PLOT TO DESTROY ROLD GOLD:

UNDERGROUND HAITIAN HAMSTER-PRETZEL FIGHTS RAGE ON:

PASSENGER WATCHING BAGGAGE BOARD PLANE

Following his recent analysis of the Transportation Safety Authority, as well as additional security agencies, President Barack Obama has issued an order to refuse passage of actual human beings aboard airlines coming to and from the United States.

“After a long period of deliberation, I’ve determined that the best option for securing the people of the United States is to simply deny passage of humans aboard airplanes.” The President spoke this afternoon at the White House.

Analysts have already reported that by denying passengers aboard airlines, the TSA can most likely reduce its budget by approximately 90 percent.

However, representatives from Delta Airlines and United Airlines have already questioned the wisdom of this decision, “How are people supposed to fly in or out?”

In response, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs stated, “That’s the point. Now you get it.”

SOME OF OBAMA’S OTHER GOOD IDEAS:

Left: The Flag of Canada, a nation about to fall to a superior power

Left: The Flag of Russia, the nation that will soon control our neighbor to the North

After months of tension between the Russian Federation and the Commonwealth of Canada, Moscow has recalled its ambassadors from Ottawa and threatened a military response.

The recent ninja attack on President Dmitry Medvedev has been linked to the actions of a covert intelligence group out of Canada. Although the Canadian Foreign Embassy in Moscow has rejected such claims, evidence from video tapes has recently surfaced showing ninja leader Dolph Lundgren working with Canadian officials.

Two incidents over the last year of Russian pilots violating Canadian airspace have caused controversy in the United Nations. Likewise, one of the pilots, a Yuri Rasputin, has not been returned following his drunken crash landing over Ontario .

Canadian officials have been put onto high alert and are mobilizing all its military forces: two guys with pitchforks and a blind chick riding a llama. The Mounties are also involved, lining up in single file along the Alaskan border where, according to the Canadian military strategist  is “the most likely spot for an invasion.”

When asked about the chances of an invasion over the polar icecap with submarines and military jets, the official responded with a gin-infused hiccup and a blank stare.

The military official hails from Manitoba, so this reporter is not surprised.

HOW CANADIANS PREPARE FOR WAR:

HOW RUSSIANS PREPARE FOR WAR:

  Chef Boyardee

After being found drunk aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise last May, the recent court martial of the famed Italian chef, Chef Boyardee, has left the entrepreneur shamed and marched out of the Navy. He returned to the United States, where he has recently taken up residency in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

However, recent reports of the municipal elections in early November have linked Chef Boyardee to the reelection campaign of R.T. Rybak, mayor of the city.

RT Rybak

According to inside sources, the mayor and the chef worked closely on preparing his victory party celebration.

“That is why nearly everything at the party featured highly-processed noodle stuffs with the meat and tomato sauce. Of course, there was nacho cheese Twistaroni for the kids,” stated one of Rybak’s closest aids.

Rybak, himself, had a breakdown of sorts that night due to too much ingestion of the high fructose corn syrup in the sauce and ended up at a White Castle and screaming at the local Army recruitment center.

“Mayor Rybak has a large allergy to HFCS’s,” stated the aid.

When pressed as to why Rybak was seen at the recruitment center, the aid declined further questions.

Chef Boyardee himself was stripped from the mayor’s staff shortly after the politician’s announcement that he would make a bid for the governorship of Minnesota.

Charlie the Tuna’s Grave

The chef is now believed to be somewhere in Southeast Asia. Those close to him state that he “has a score to settle with those bastards who got Charlie the Tuna .”

 THE CHEF AT THE CENTER OF THE CONTROVERSY:

SOME OF THE CHEF’S PROPAGANDA:

According to a recent Pentagon report, the contingent of troops in Iraq manned by the Jolly Green Giant and the NFL team, the Cleveland Browns, were attacked by the combined forces of Pakistan, the Taliban and a bunch of ninjas.

The Pentagon believes this is the work of Pakistan’s leadership change, when James Carville took the Presidency through a coup . Aided by other recent celebrity leaders, O.J. Simpson and Dolph Lundgren, this trifecta is expected to continue wreaking havoc on U.S. and Coalition troops.

O.J. Simpson successfully escaped from his Nevada prison cell a few months ago and took command of a Taliban contingent. Meanwhile, the CIA believes that Lundgren is working with a left-wing cell of ninjas from somewhere in Asia.

Lundgren’s recent escapade into Moscow made international headlines, due to the level of the assassination plot of Russian leader Dmitry Medvedev, as well as its inefficiency to kill the President.

Although they took a number of casualties, the Cleveland Browns were able to fight off the forces and secure their military installation in Kirkuk.

Dolph Lundgren Training for His New Mission:

After the NFL reported that they would join the armed forces and help take care of the situation in Iraq, the famed Jolly Green Giant, having recently joined himself , was recently awarded a leadership position over the Cleveland Browns.

“Ho Ho Ho, I am proud to lead one of the greatest teams ever assembled into battle to help retain the fledgling democracy in Iraq,” Jolly Green Giant stated at a recent press conference.

When asked why he was so happy about working with one of the worst teams in modern history, the Jolly Green Giant simply stated that he was “pleasantly oblivious.”

In response to the press conference, the former Cleveland NFL coach, Eric Mangini, stated that he was disappointed in the U.S. military’s choice for a commanding officer.

His opinion was shared by the Jolly Green Giant’s former sidekick, Sprout, “I think it’s a terrible idea. No one knows Green’s idea of command. He drinks too much and always pressures people into eating black eyed peas with okra. I don’t know, I like it but not everyone does.”

Green Giant is expected to take charge of the Cleveland Browns in Kirkuk.

 Song Written for the Jolly Green Giant’s Escapade:

After Wednesday night’s attack by 400 ninjas on Dmitry Medvedev, the 12 survivors are being held outside of Moscow for questions, according to sources close to the Kremlin.

“The interrogation is being personally overseen by Vladimir Putin. He likes this sort of thing,” reported Medvedev’s press secretary.

When asked to comment on the situation at a recent State Department press conference, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton declined to comment. Reporting that it was an “internal matter for Russia.”

However, Associated Press reports reveal that of the 400 ninjas that attack Medvedev, 14 were American.

It was unknown at press time if any of the survivors of the attack were American.

RUSSIAN NINJAS TRAINING:

Seeking revenge for the Georgian conflict last year, President Mikheil Saakashvili hired 400 ninjas to attack the Kremlin late last evening.

The goal of the attack was to remove Dmitry Medvedev from power and install American actor Dolph Lundgren, waiting at the border for his moment to seize control.

Unfortunately for Saakashvili and the 400 ninjas, Medvedev was found armed with a pumice stone, with which he single-handedly defeated each attacker one by one.

Lundgren was forced to withdraw and regroup with the Georgian forces.

“I will live to fight another day,” he stated as he rode his bike off into the sunset.

After celebrating until four in the morning in his reelection bid, Minneapolis, Minnesota Mayor RT Rybak was seen ordering White Castle with four other people.

The White Castle restaurant, located on the city’s famed Lake Street, supplied the mayor and his entourage with a reported 25 sliders, a bag of fries, five large sodas and a small order of onion petals.

After ordering the food, Mayor Rybak was seen banging on the military recruiters office. Witnesses report there was heavy volumes of tears as Rybak continued to say he made a “big mistake” and “joining the army may be his only way out.”

INTERPRETATION OF RYBAK’S VICTORY PARTY:

According to a press release by Abdullah Abdullah, presidential challenger in the Afghan election against incumbent Hamid Karzai, announced that he would not participate in the run-off election.

Despite great success at the polls, forcing a constitutionally-mandated follow-up vote, Abdullah Abdullah chose to forgo his right and hand over the election to his opponent.

Sources close to him report that the reason for his decision is the fact that he wants to watch the World Series.

Abdullah Abdullah is widely-known as a major Philadelphia Phillies fan and has allegedly become “highly involved” in the championship series. Sources also confirm that he has placed a major bet with rival Karzai, a well-known New York Yankees fan, regarding the outcome of the best-of-seven games.

A group of guys from the local gym decided last Thursday that they would travel back in time and trash the Japanese Navy before it had the opportunity to inflict damage on the United States at Pearl Harbor.

Following a short exchange by John Goodwhin, a local championship bodybuilder, and Charles Trongold, high school wrestling champ, about the fact that they could take the whole Japanese fleet in the middle of the ocean “if they were there.” Bennie Rockford, the local high school physics teacher, told the two that they could travel through time and defeat the Japanese military with just a few simple projects.

Explaining the overall dedication to the two very ripped men, Bennie invited them back to his house to work over the details. According to sources close to the individuals, after the morning’s breakfast, they will be fast on their way to World War II Japan for some serious ass kicking.

A press release from the State of Nevada has reported that OJ Simpson has escaped prison. The State Department has gone on record saying that the famous running back has been sighted on the Afghan-Pakistan border operating with the Taliban.

Initial reports state that Simpson has been given control over a small village.

A spokesperson for the Nevada State Correctional Board claimed that Simpson used a makeshift knife to escape from the minimum-security facility during lunch. Apparently, most of the guards were interested in getting security-camera footage of OJ and themselves. He then commandeered another white Ford Bronco and made a dash to a hidden airport where he flew to Myanmar, before being smuggled into the war-torn region.

The State Department refused to comment further and a representative from CENTCOM has yet to respond.

The Associated Press has announced that North and South Korea will resolve its long national crisis by a winner-take-all game of Risk.

After a long negotiation over which type to play, ambassadors agreed that Risk: Godstorm would be the best.

All six nations in the six-party talks will take part: North Korea, South Korea, China, Russia, Japan and the United States.

Representing the countries will be a number of high ranking officials, including “master players” Kim Jong-nam, Kim Jong-Il’s son, and US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

In a harsh letter of criticism, God has announced that he or she has given up on the chance for peace in the Middle East.

The press release stated that “after centuries of attempts at symbolic signs and chances as self-reliance, both the Jewish and Muslim populations have made very little progress. I wash my hands of the situation.”

Many theologians are pointing at those last words as a reference to the Biblical character of Pontius Pilot.

Both Jewish and Muslim religious leaders have stated that they do not take note of the statement. In a joint statement, they claim that “the Christian God has no bearing whatsoever on our actions.”

The Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, West Bank Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas and Gaza Palestinian President Aziz Duwaik have all gone on record they will meet immediately to discuss this matter personally.

The new Torchwood miniseries “Children of Earth” has caused an uptick of violence in Southeast Asia.

The BBC has refused to broadcast the coveted show throughout Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia and Burma, causing a resurgence of civil war between die-hard Doctor Who fans and those who support the BBC’s work on Torchwood.

“Apparently, there are a number of fans of the television show who are angry with rival Whovians and the BBC,” stated U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, currently on a trip throughout Asia.

Four bombings in Ho Chi Minh City alone have caused a reported 68 deaths and a number of casualties.

“We ask that the BBC rethink its decision and air the miniseries on public television,” said Clinton.

Bootleg copies have been confiscated by a number of police officials.

Southeast Asia was the site of a protracted war during the mid-20th century between Communist and Nationalist forces as well as intervention by the French and U.S. militaries.

In a nod to Jane Fonda’s famous performance for North Vietnamese troops during the Vietnam conflict, musician Moby will entertain the troops this Saturday with works from his newest record as well as older hits.

“While not fully released in the communist country, the advanced copies of the album currently being distributed by radio stations are having huge success with the public,” stated Moby’s spokesperson, “This is great for my client’s image.”

Moby, a die-hard communist and Marxist revolutionary, has long supported socialist regimes such as that in Vietnam, China, Laos and North Korea.

Last summer, Moby took a trip to Cuba where he met with Fidel and Raul Castro and played a set at the famed Havana Baseball Stadium.

He plans to meet with Kim Jong-Il sometime this fall.

Moby declined to comment on whether this performance in Vietnam will coincide with his new promotions with Coca-Cola and support for Jennie-O Turkey’s questionable practices.

Reports coming in from a number of U.S. troops in Iraq state that they are excited about the opportunity to pull out of the major cities in the country and plan on celebrating by grilling.

“I don’t think we’ll just leave it at that,” said one soldier from the 10th Mountain Division, “I believe there’ll be football playing, TV watching and maybe even some Nintendo Wii.”

Signed at the end of the Bush administration, the deal to pull all U.S. combat forces from the country’s major cities is a stepping stone for the ultimate withdrawel of all U.S. troops from the country as a whole.

The Iraqi forces will be in charge of all major combat operations within the nation’s cities, including Baghdad as of June 30.

U.S. forces will be relegated to actions in outer provinces and support for the government’s operations.

Even as investigators pry into the exact circumstances surrounding the death of famed pitchman Billy Mays, new evidence has been found that links him to the coup that ousted President Jose Manuel Zelaya from power.

“Apparently Mays has been funneling a portion of his proceeds from selling products such as OxyClean and ShamWow to the Honduran Congress and Army,” stated FBI analyst Trevor McIntosh.

Mays is most famous for his appearances on the Home Shopping Network and a number of television advertisements for various products. He was also famous for shouting slogans and product names at the camera in a style reminiscent of that loud talking guy from Twin Peaks.

It was announced late on Sunday that president of the Honduran Congress, Roberto Micheletti, would take over the role as provisional leader of the country.

Famed Kellog’s spokesperson, Tucan Sam, has been identified in crowd photos as taking part in the protests of election results in Iran. Last Friday, Mahmoud Amadenijad was reelected in an election that has many international monitors questioning the validity.

Tucan Sam recently converted to Islam and has had a very public battle with the Kellog’s company over his future with the company and its Froot Loops brand.

The photo and short video show the spokesman wearing green along with a number of other protesters.

Today, the Supreme Leader singled out the colorful character as a threat to stability throughout the country. Orders have been given to arrest Tucan Sam on sight.

In an effort to win the hearts and minds of many of the tribes that are situated within Taliban-controlled Pakistan, NATO forces have air dropped surplus copies of classic Sylvester Stallone films on HDDVD. Among the titles to choose from are Rocky IV, Copland, Cobra and Over the Top.

A spokesman for NATO forces points to the availablity often titles due to the fact that Blue-Ray won the 21st century version of the format wars.

“We don’t think that the tribesmen should care or even know that they are getting an inferior technology,” said Lt. Col. Paul Carpenter, “They will make fine additions to their collections. Everyone likes to see Stallone blow up crap!”

This news was followed by a statement from the US Marine Corps that a consignement of HDDVD players was accidentally dropped within the confines of the Pakistani forces.

“I hope this development doesn’t mean that factions will be fighting over the players and the disks. That would be pointless. Kind of like when Stallone made Oscar.”